Giving Up Fear for Lent

The sentence “Do not be afraid” appears 365 times in the Bible. We could study a different moment in the Bible each day for a year and never repeat. There are devotionals that have been created to do just that, but I have not read any of them in order to give a recommendation. Fear and doubt hang out a lot within me. I don't struggle with anxiety or depression. What usually happens is I am offered an opportunity to perform or instruct and if I am available and I have worked with the client before I commit. It's safe. It's comfortable. Recently, I have been give several opportunities to grow as a person and within my profession. That is where my friends Fear and Doubt make their appearance, because I am going into the unknown. Part of me loves the unknown because I love adventure and surprise. The kid in me that is full of wonder cheers me on. Fear and Doubt reminds the nervous adult in me “is this really wise?” These two comrades also start providing excuses as to why I should say “No” or to not even respond to the inquiry.

Perfect example happened a month ago when I was offered a chance to teach improv during the summer for a city nearby. I teach improv everywhere! The offer came in and I was really hesitant. Fear and Doubt rushed in to fuel this. “I can't give away my summer.” I thought. They were willing to work with my schedule. “I can't afford to do this.” They not only were willing to work with my schedule but they are also giving me comparable wages. I took the gig and I am looking forward to this summer with a new client. This scenario made me realize how much I let Fear and Doubt come into my decision making. On Ash Wednesday, I “fired” Fear and I decided to challenge myself every time I fall into the familiar thought pattern. I'm hoping to “hire” Reason to replace Fear. Doubt just turned in his resignation.

My Battle with the Hawthorne Tree

 Last year at this time, I did what a lot people have been documented as to doing during the lock down period of the Coronavirus in 2020...I worked on landscape. It was just before Holy week that I discovered the Hawthorne tree that had grown up on the fence line between myself and my neighbor's property. My neighbor had set it on fire. The charred remains on my side is what drew my attention to it since it was a huge contrast to the green living trees around it. I thanked my neighbor for drawing my attention to the problem and set about ridding the charred remains on my side. One thorn got me through my work gloves and it hurt! Throughout that week if I bumped that finger or used it where I had been pricked it would remind me of that thorn.

Two weeks later, I was out among the fence line and discovered a green shoot coming from the charred trunk.

 

 “Oh no. We are not having you return.” I said to the tree. I cut the shoot and then added a little killer to the area I had just cut off. The next week, another shoot sprouted on another part of the trunk. This tree was not going to take “No!” for an answer. “What am I going to do?” I asked bemoaning the problem to my husband. “Just be persistent.” he advised. “You will get rid of it only if you are persistent.” So the battle began between me and the Hawthorne tree.

I think I gave it a month of me trimming off new shoots and adding killer to the spot of the new shoot. I had never forgotten the pain it had inflicted on my finger once and I was not going to have my neighbor or her children hurt by a Hawthorne tree that was thriving on my side of the fence. Whatever she had used had worked on her side. When asked she said she just set it on fire. I had the trunk and the more established root system.

I would have to go to the root of the problem. I learned a lot about the Hawthorne tree. It was set very deep on my side of the fence. I started to dig up the trunk and the root system. I am thankful I had gloves because I could feel pricks from the thorns even in parts of the root. Tendrils of roots almost like fine hair came out of the bigger roots. This tree had quite the support system in place and I had not even been aware of its existence!

As I was digging among the roots, pulling them out of the earth and putting them into yard waste bags I was reminded of a conversation I had about confessing sins. I remember that conversation because I was very focused on the different aspects of the Catholic Church.  In 2009, I was going through RCIA at my parish and I was blessed with getting additional instruction on the road with my job as a touring actress. There was a particular priest, who was in South Dakota where he had to travel and take care of parishioners in a few locations. I told him that I was learning about confession and that I was apprehensive about it. I had only seen glimpses of what it might be like in some movies. It is a Sacrament and it has a bit of mystery to it like all Sacraments. This priest assured me that there was nothing to fear and walked me through what the process would be like. He also said “I hope you go consistently to the Sacrament of Reconciliation because you will see more clearly the sins that you are struggling with in life. I offer spiritual direction to my parishioners and when they take up my offer we are able to work on finding the root of the sin that is troubling them. For some the root system of their sin is deep and very complex.”

Looking at my Hawthorne tree's root system, I remember thinking “Great. A metaphor for my sins.” All summer of 2020, I uprooted the root system and put it in the yard waste can.  I also continued to go to Reconciliation to deal with the thorns in my spiritual life.

It is now spring of 2021 and Holy Week!  The first spot I checked was the fence line where the Hawthorne tree had been. No shoots have sprouted! I have defeated the Hawthorne tree!!! Feeling victorious, I set about checking the rest of the yard.  I wack at weeds, clear away dead tree limbs, and weed the flower beds.  Then I turn my attention to the fence line that I share with my other next door neighbor. Sprouting as tall as me are six straight Hawthorne trees.

I have a sense that 2021 is going to be very busy.

Finding Jesus

 

One of my favorite mysteries on the rosary is the fifth Joyful Mystery...finding Jesus in the Temple. On my prayer guide it says Fruit of the Mystery: Joy in Finding Jesus. I remember talking to someone about this mystery and they pointed out that it is also one of the seven sorrows of Mary.

During this Advent, I encourage you to think back on when you found Jesus. Did you discover him as a child at Christmas? Did you find out about him when you were open to listening to someone evangelizing? Did you seek him out when you were in so much pain, despair and torment that you gave in to finding out more than his name?

Jesus is there in all these situations.

I found him when I was a child at Christmas. One of my earliest memories as a child was putting up a link each day of Advent that had part of the Christmas story in it. I looked forward to every night of hearing my mother read the verse and then I would add that link to the chain.

I later discovered more about Jesus when I attended a Passion play. I was in college studying theater and I witnessed the power of drama. Even though I heard about Jesus healing people in the Gospels, I suddenly saw in this renactment Jesus heal Jairus's daughter (played by a kid I used to babysit). The moment she woke up and hugged Jesus made me recognize the power of drama and how it could be used as a way to evangelize.

Then I toured with a company called Theater of the Word, Inc. and I saw Jesus in a new way. I saw a frail old priest that sounded like he was breathing his last breath consecrate the Host and I saw a transformation. I couldn't understand transubstantiation but I saw the priest become strong and vibrant and he believed he was holding Jesus. I remember thinking “I don't know what this is all about, but he believes the Host is Jesus.”

I became Catholic and I accepted the teachings of the Church. Just because I accepted the teachings did not mean I completely understood them. I accepted the idea of suffering but it would take practicing the devotion of the consecration to Jesus through Mary several times before I would start to really understand suffering as I do now.

From my diary entry dated 2016

Catholic art used to freak me out with a bloody Jesus, because "my Jesus" was clean and pristine. Now I look at art with the suffering face of Jesus and all I can see is His love for us...for me. I am (with several others of my parish) consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary. This March 25th will be my 5th anniversary of practicing this devotion. This is the last devotion I would have considered 6 years ago because I had heard "you could suffer". I thought "Well, I might be Catholic (I was one year into the Church) but I don't do suffering!" But every time, I would pray "Lord, I love you so much. I want to know you better." I would get the reply "Know my Father and my mother." I was trying to focus on God the Father, because though I had respect for Mary, Our Blessed Mother, I thought I would focus on the more approachable person. I kept encountering people (by the name of Catherine) who would ask "Are you consecrated to Jesus through Mary?" These people would be strangers and that would be their opening line to me. I finally said "Yes" to this practice, I have learned about how much Jesus loves us...me. Leading people in this devotion, I have experienced suffering, consolation and joy when I renew my "vow".

This Lent, I have been focusing on different aspects of Our Lord's Passion, from the Upper Room to the Crucifixion. I told my spiritual director that this Lent I feel guilty that I am filled with Joy every time I look on the Crucifix, because I know how much Jesus loves me. It could be read as sick to an outsider that you could look at a man bloodied and tortured as Our Lord on the Cross and find JOY there, but I think it is because LOVE is present in that picture of suffering.

But this relationship is a two way street, if it is a relationship. We all have crosses. Some are petty that we choose to carry. Some our huge and it is only through God's grace that we can get out of bed in the morning. We need to talk to Jesus about these crosses. Ask Him to help us with them or just vent at Him about the fact they exist. He wants us to talk with Him, because NO ONE can understand suffering like Our Lord, who suffered the greatest. Our suffering can also help us to understand our neighbor, who may be suffering more or less than us. You know what suffering tastes like, so pray for them and prompt them to also take their suffering to Jesus.

Now it is nearing the end of 2020 which has been ravaged by plague, social unrest, and political maelstrom. This Lent many of us faced not being able to attend mass due to Covid-19 restrictions put in place by local or state government. Regular mass attendees, devote Catholics threw up their voices to cry out in anger, frustration and grief. They could not receive the Eucharist. I have been reflecting on that as we near Advent and numbers of positive cases of Covid-19 start to climb threatening the same actions from our governments. We are so spoiled here in the Archdiocese of St. Louis. We have a lot of priests and we have an active prospering seminary. There are states, counties, territories that wish they could have daily mass, but due to lack of vocations they can't. They are in the desert. Some of them literally as well as spiritually.

We as Catholics have the ability to find Jesus in every moment of our time line. He lived it. Joy, suffering, surrounded by throngs of people who loved him, surrounded by those who wanted to kill him and even the event of being forsaken. If we encounter another time when we must be without the Eucharist (may we also be without in-door dining, bars, sports and entertainment too), may we unite ourselves to Christ on the cross when he yelled out “Why oh why hast thou forsaken me?” Jesus felt complete abandonment at that moment. We also know that Jesus had at that moment one person, who had not left him and who loved him very much. His Mother, whom he gave to be our mother, Mary.

May we entrust ourselves to Mary this Advent as God once did when He came to dwell among us.

 

Vale of Tears

 

When I was first learning to recite the rosary and I came to the Hail, Holy Queen prayer at the end I would pause and study “...in this vale of tears;” Depending on who I was praying the rosary with it would be pronounced veil or valley. I would think to myself how can one word be used and mispronounced in such a way that it could mean two entirely different things?!

If you look up the word vale in the prayerful context it means “this world as a place of trouble” "vale". Online Etymology Dictionary. Douglas Harper, Historian. 14 Jan. 2017. <Dictionary.comhttp://www.dictionary.com/browse/vale>.

I think that is why more people choose to pronounce it as valley, since they can picture this valley of tears. We are pilgrims on our pilgrimage to God's kingdom that has us following the way of Christ. The way of Christ is suffering and tears as well as joy to finally glory.

When I pray thinking of a valley of tears, I am taken to the Trail of Tears, which I did a report on when I was in 5^th grade. The Trail of Tears describes the forced moving of the many Native American tribes (my report had been on the Cherokee) from east of the Mississippi to Oklahoma where they were placed on a Reservation. After I wrote my report, my parents took me to Cape Girardeau where part of the Trail of Tears passed through. The Cherokee tribe lost their land and close to half of their people as they trudged to Oklahoma. I remember the park had a reverent silence as I read the marker for the Trail of Tears.

But then there is the other pronunciation of vale as veil that works too. I think of that veil when I see the women wearing veils to mass. I have given myself I hard time with this visual on the pronunciation because “Who would wear a veil of tears?!” But Our Lady has made that clear that one can wear a veil of tears...not on her head but upon her face.

A bride also wears a veil upon her face, so the bridegroom can see her but not very clearly until he lifts the veil. Our Lord is the Bridegroom and The Church is his Bride. The longer that I am a part of His Church the more I am moved to tears when I see Him in the Sacraments. I think to myself “Lord, this is the only way my earthly eyes can bear to see you is through this veil of tears, because your Glory is too much.” I have a feeling that the tears will flow whenever I see Him while I encounter Him in the Sacraments until He lifts the veil and I will see Him clearly.

Taking Me to the Father

On my one year anniversary of coming into the Catholic Church, I prayed “Lord, I love you so much. I want to know you more. How can I know you more?” The reply “Know my Father and my Mother.” I instantly turned to God, the Father, because though I had accepted Mary's role in the Incarnation, The Passion, The Resurrection and the birth of the Church. I was a little wary of Mary. Of course, where you are the most reluctant to go that is where you end up being led.

I have been on the road of consecration to Jesus through Mary for 6 years. It has been a path of consolation, of self-discovery, and what I was not expecting...of healing. Probably, my second time of renewing my consecration I realized that I had somehow put an obstacle between myself and God. It has usually been a something. That something has usually been wrapped up in self-pride. For example, I used to define myself by how much money I made. My success was based on my net income. It was exhausting when some months I would wind up with less than the previous month, I would beat myself up and say “I did not work enough hours. I spent too much time on this project, which did not generate enough money.” It is a viscous cycle until you realize that you have made manna replace God in your priorities.

Mark 12:29-31 Jesus replied: This is the first:'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! Therefore you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.' This is the second, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these.

This year during renewal of the consecration, I have realized how much I have shut out my neighbor. I am great at building walls to protect myself from getting hurt. This round I realized how I have protected myself from Father figures, mentors, and friends. I thought that by building these walls that no one could hurt me. What has happened is that I have hurt myself by not allowing people to get too close to me. I have shut the door on my neighbor and told Jesus (in the form of my neighbor) to “Go away! I don't want you to hurt me!”  Since I have not been busy serving my neighbor, I have turned to festering within my self-imprisoned walls. My excuse has been “Lord, I do not want to get hurt by the people I love.” Try continuously saying that to a crucified Jesus on the Cross, who was killed by the people He loved. He died for them. He died for me.

My final hold out in this struggle to acknowledge the walls against my neighbor and start to tear them down was that I felt vulnerable...very vulnerable.  "Lord, what if someone I love hurts me? I am weak. I am like a newborn baby unable to defend myself...naked or with very little covering."

My whole struggle and realizations on the journey with the consecration to Jesus through Mary these 6 years can be summed up in Matthew 6:24

No man can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other or be attentive to one and despise the other. You cannot give yourself to God and money.

My consolation is found in the continuing verses of Matthew 6:25-33

I warn you, then: do not worry about your livelihood, what you are to eat or drink or use for clothing. Is not life more than food? Is not the body more valuable than clothes?

Look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Which of you by worrying can add a moment to his life-span? As for clothes, why be concerned? Learn a lesson from the way the flowers grow. They do not work; they do not spin. Yet I assure you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was arrayed like one of these. If God can clothe in such splendor the grass of the field, which blooms today and is thrown on the fire tomorrow, will he not provide much more for you. O weak in faith! Stop worrying, then, over questions like, 'What are we to eat, or what are we to drink, or what are we to wear?' The unbelievers are always running after these things. Your heavenly Father knows all that you need. Seek first his kingship over you, his way of holiness, and all these things will be given you besides.

How many times have I heard this passage read at church both as a Presbyterian and now as a Catholic? How many times have I gone on doing my own thing, because my ears were stopped up and could not hear what God was trying to tell me through His Son, Jesus?

It took my Blessed Mother, Mary, to bring me back to these words and hear them. Hear them in my heart, my soul and my mind. With the help of Jesus, taking my walls down stone by stone so that I can love my neighbor even when that love may not be returned but might even be rebuked. With Mary and Jesus 's help they are preparing me to take me to the Father.

To Fight a Dragon

I re-read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy quite frequently. His character of Eowyn captured my imagination when I was about 5 years old. I actually wrote an entry about the influence of this character in my life in my blog geared to those who love sci-fi and fantasy works.

I have spoken with a few people on this character and many do compare her to St. Joan of Arc. But there is one scene, the scene that I re-enacted as a child that I wonder now as an adult if I was mimicking a different maid. It never came to my attention until I was listening to an audiobook and the narrative brought to my mind this scene on The Battle of Pelennor Fields.

Suddenly the great beast beat its hideous wings, and the wind of them was foul. Again it leaped into the air, and then swiftly fell down upon Eowyn, shrieking, striking with beak and claw.

Still she did not blench: maiden of the Rohirrim, child of kings, slender but as a steel-blade, fair yet terrible. A swift stroke she dealt, skilled and deadly. The outstretched neck she cloved asunder, and the heawn head fell like a stone. Backward she sprang as the huge shape crashed to ruin, vast wings outspread, crumpled on the earth; and with its fall the shadow passed away. A light fell about her, and her hair shone in the sunrise.

When I heard the story this time, I was reminded of the Catena that the Legion of Mary recites.

Who is she that comes forth as the morning rising, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army set in battle array?

This refers to Mary's appearance in Revelations 12:1

And a great portent appeared in heaven, a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars

Mary the humble handmaid of the Lord, who crushes Satan (who has been depicted as the snake in Genesis and the dragon in Revelations) with her foot.

What a heroine for a little girl to look up to as a role model. Our Lady is humble not timid. She crushes the head of the snake with her foot! I don't mind little garden snakes, but I would not have enough courage to face a dangerous snake let alone use the vulnerable part of my bare foot to crush its head!  It appears to weak sinner's minds that God made it so that Our Lady is in danger when she squashes the serpent with her foot, since that is a vulnerable spot of a person's body. But Satan is the vulnerable one because it is Mary's humility that is responsible for squashing him. The serpent is crushed. The dragon is slain. And the maid shines with the light of the morning rising.

The Holy Terror

I babysit kids from time to time when my acting gigs are down. I am also blessed to be the Aunt to several nieces, bonus nieces and nephews. I see meltdowns at all stages. The terrible twos where a child starts to demonstrate signs of independence (No!), possession of things (Mine!) and when the lack of vocabulary and possible approaching of naptime leads to the epic meltdown.

This is when I see parents, caregivers and teachers put to the test. Do they give in to the reason of the meltdown? Do they attempt to make the meltdown a teaching moment? Do they hold steadfast and reiterate what is the correct behavior at the time or moment? Are they patient as they deliver their message to someone, who is a red-faced, screaming, crying, snotty-nosed mess?

I recently saw an example of this as I was preparing to leave a child to his mother's care. I had watched the child several times to the point that when he knows that I will be watching him he is waiting at the door to greet me. I had given him the warning that Mom would be returning soon with dinner and that we needed to clean up the toy area and then wash our hands. No tears. No fuss. Clean-up began. Then Mom came home with dinner. The tears started. The anger boiled up. He was not ready for the day of fun to end. “Noooooo! Go away!” he yelled at his Mom. I intervened. “Now. I told you that we were going to clean up and that Mommy was bringing home dinner and it would be time for me to go.” He was not having any of it. “Nooooo! I want to play!” Red-faced with anger, he pushes at his Mom. Count down to timeout ensues and is put in place. The little red-faced, tear stained terror goes to his time out chair and promptly picks it up and throws it. Mom patiently picks up chair places it on the floor and tells the Tiny Terror that he needs to sit down or more time will be added to the time out. As the little man is serving his time, his Mom and I reminisce how he would do the same trick with me as he tried to figure out what was acceptable behavior for voicing an opinion.

“Times up.” Mom took the tear-stained penitent by the hand and brought him over to me. “You need to apologize for your behavior.” Remorse covered the little prodigal's face. “I don't know how.” “I'll help you get started.” guided the Mom. “I am sorry for my behavior.” The wee pilgrim repeated the words and looked for more help. “I got you started. You need to continue on your own.” Shame faced, tear-stained the little prodigal continued “I am sorry for my behavior. I know that I was wrong to throw a fit when playtime was over. Will you forgive me?”

It had been difficult for me to stay and wait for the apology with a neutral face. I wanted to forgive him before he had asked, but in order for him to learn and to grow he needed to humble himself and ask for forgiveness. He needed to confess his wrong doing, which had been difficult for him to do, but when he asked “Will you forgive me?” I rushed to him and hugged him as I said “Yes.”

I left tear-stained myself that day, because the picture of a mother taking a repentant wrong-doer by the hand and guiding him over to apologize to the one he had wronged reminded me of my own time for confession or the better named reconciliation. I had a glimpse of the love God has for us but how he holds back so that we can humble ourselves and admit our wrong doings against Him. He is just waiting to hear the words...”Will you forgive me?” and He rushes in to love on us as we hear the words “I absolve you.” I have a hard time going to confession. I know God loves me. I believe that there are two reasons why I have a hard time; I have to humble myself and acknowledge that I have done wrong and the other reason is that God loves me and forgives me even though I have been abominable and I do not deserve His forgiveness and love.

Who helps me get to confession so that I can grow and learn? My mother, Mary. She takes me by the hand and guides me. Even when I am at my most rebellious, she calmly reminds me “You are mine. Come with me. I will start you off...I am sorry for my behavior.” Then she patiently waits for me to continue, holding my hand until I come before Him saying...”Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”