Taking Me to the Father

On my one year anniversary of coming into the Catholic Church, I prayed “Lord, I love you so much. I want to know you more. How can I know you more?” The reply “Know my Father and my Mother.” I instantly turned to God, the Father, because though I had accepted Mary's role in the Incarnation, The Passion, The Resurrection and the birth of the Church. I was a little wary of Mary. Of course, where you are the most reluctant to go that is where you end up being led.

I have been on the road of consecration to Jesus through Mary for 6 years. It has been a path of consolation, of self-discovery, and what I was not expecting...of healing. Probably, my second time of renewing my consecration I realized that I had somehow put an obstacle between myself and God. It has usually been a something. That something has usually been wrapped up in self-pride. For example, I used to define myself by how much money I made. My success was based on my net income. It was exhausting when some months I would wind up with less than the previous month, I would beat myself up and say “I did not work enough hours. I spent too much time on this project, which did not generate enough money.” It is a viscous cycle until you realize that you have made manna replace God in your priorities.

Mark 12:29-31 Jesus replied: This is the first:'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! Therefore you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.' This is the second, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these.

This year during renewal of the consecration, I have realized how much I have shut out my neighbor. I am great at building walls to protect myself from getting hurt. This round I realized how I have protected myself from Father figures, mentors, and friends. I thought that by building these walls that no one could hurt me. What has happened is that I have hurt myself by not allowing people to get too close to me. I have shut the door on my neighbor and told Jesus (in the form of my neighbor) to “Go away! I don't want you to hurt me!”  Since I have not been busy serving my neighbor, I have turned to festering within my self-imprisoned walls. My excuse has been “Lord, I do not want to get hurt by the people I love.” Try continuously saying that to a crucified Jesus on the Cross, who was killed by the people He loved. He died for them. He died for me.

My final hold out in this struggle to acknowledge the walls against my neighbor and start to tear them down was that I felt vulnerable...very vulnerable.  "Lord, what if someone I love hurts me? I am weak. I am like a newborn baby unable to defend myself...naked or with very little covering."

My whole struggle and realizations on the journey with the consecration to Jesus through Mary these 6 years can be summed up in Matthew 6:24

No man can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other or be attentive to one and despise the other. You cannot give yourself to God and money.

My consolation is found in the continuing verses of Matthew 6:25-33

I warn you, then: do not worry about your livelihood, what you are to eat or drink or use for clothing. Is not life more than food? Is not the body more valuable than clothes?

Look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Which of you by worrying can add a moment to his life-span? As for clothes, why be concerned? Learn a lesson from the way the flowers grow. They do not work; they do not spin. Yet I assure you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was arrayed like one of these. If God can clothe in such splendor the grass of the field, which blooms today and is thrown on the fire tomorrow, will he not provide much more for you. O weak in faith! Stop worrying, then, over questions like, 'What are we to eat, or what are we to drink, or what are we to wear?' The unbelievers are always running after these things. Your heavenly Father knows all that you need. Seek first his kingship over you, his way of holiness, and all these things will be given you besides.

How many times have I heard this passage read at church both as a Presbyterian and now as a Catholic? How many times have I gone on doing my own thing, because my ears were stopped up and could not hear what God was trying to tell me through His Son, Jesus?

It took my Blessed Mother, Mary, to bring me back to these words and hear them. Hear them in my heart, my soul and my mind. With the help of Jesus, taking my walls down stone by stone so that I can love my neighbor even when that love may not be returned but might even be rebuked. With Mary and Jesus 's help they are preparing me to take me to the Father.

To Fight a Dragon

I re-read J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy quite frequently. His character of Eowyn captured my imagination when I was about 5 years old. I actually wrote an entry about the influence of this character in my life in my blog geared to those who love sci-fi and fantasy works.

I have spoken with a few people on this character and many do compare her to St. Joan of Arc. But there is one scene, the scene that I re-enacted as a child that I wonder now as an adult if I was mimicking a different maid. It never came to my attention until I was listening to an audiobook and the narrative brought to my mind this scene on The Battle of Pelennor Fields.

Suddenly the great beast beat its hideous wings, and the wind of them was foul. Again it leaped into the air, and then swiftly fell down upon Eowyn, shrieking, striking with beak and claw.

Still she did not blench: maiden of the Rohirrim, child of kings, slender but as a steel-blade, fair yet terrible. A swift stroke she dealt, skilled and deadly. The outstretched neck she cloved asunder, and the heawn head fell like a stone. Backward she sprang as the huge shape crashed to ruin, vast wings outspread, crumpled on the earth; and with its fall the shadow passed away. A light fell about her, and her hair shone in the sunrise.

When I heard the story this time, I was reminded of the Catena that the Legion of Mary recites.

Who is she that comes forth as the morning rising, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army set in battle array?

This refers to Mary's appearance in Revelations 12:1

And a great portent appeared in heaven, a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars

Mary the humble handmaid of the Lord, who crushes Satan (who has been depicted as the snake in Genesis and the dragon in Revelations) with her foot.

What a heroine for a little girl to look up to as a role model. Our Lady is humble not timid. She crushes the head of the snake with her foot! I don't mind little garden snakes, but I would not have enough courage to face a dangerous snake let alone use the vulnerable part of my bare foot to crush its head!  It appears to weak sinner's minds that God made it so that Our Lady is in danger when she squashes the serpent with her foot, since that is a vulnerable spot of a person's body. But Satan is the vulnerable one because it is Mary's humility that is responsible for squashing him. The serpent is crushed. The dragon is slain. And the maid shines with the light of the morning rising.

The Holy Terror

I babysit kids from time to time when my acting gigs are down. I am also blessed to be the Aunt to several nieces, bonus nieces and nephews. I see meltdowns at all stages. The terrible twos where a child starts to demonstrate signs of independence (No!), possession of things (Mine!) and when the lack of vocabulary and possible approaching of naptime leads to the epic meltdown.

This is when I see parents, caregivers and teachers put to the test. Do they give in to the reason of the meltdown? Do they attempt to make the meltdown a teaching moment? Do they hold steadfast and reiterate what is the correct behavior at the time or moment? Are they patient as they deliver their message to someone, who is a red-faced, screaming, crying, snotty-nosed mess?

I recently saw an example of this as I was preparing to leave a child to his mother's care. I had watched the child several times to the point that when he knows that I will be watching him he is waiting at the door to greet me. I had given him the warning that Mom would be returning soon with dinner and that we needed to clean up the toy area and then wash our hands. No tears. No fuss. Clean-up began. Then Mom came home with dinner. The tears started. The anger boiled up. He was not ready for the day of fun to end. “Noooooo! Go away!” he yelled at his Mom. I intervened. “Now. I told you that we were going to clean up and that Mommy was bringing home dinner and it would be time for me to go.” He was not having any of it. “Nooooo! I want to play!” Red-faced with anger, he pushes at his Mom. Count down to timeout ensues and is put in place. The little red-faced, tear stained terror goes to his time out chair and promptly picks it up and throws it. Mom patiently picks up chair places it on the floor and tells the Tiny Terror that he needs to sit down or more time will be added to the time out. As the little man is serving his time, his Mom and I reminisce how he would do the same trick with me as he tried to figure out what was acceptable behavior for voicing an opinion.

“Times up.” Mom took the tear-stained penitent by the hand and brought him over to me. “You need to apologize for your behavior.” Remorse covered the little prodigal's face. “I don't know how.” “I'll help you get started.” guided the Mom. “I am sorry for my behavior.” The wee pilgrim repeated the words and looked for more help. “I got you started. You need to continue on your own.” Shame faced, tear-stained the little prodigal continued “I am sorry for my behavior. I know that I was wrong to throw a fit when playtime was over. Will you forgive me?”

It had been difficult for me to stay and wait for the apology with a neutral face. I wanted to forgive him before he had asked, but in order for him to learn and to grow he needed to humble himself and ask for forgiveness. He needed to confess his wrong doing, which had been difficult for him to do, but when he asked “Will you forgive me?” I rushed to him and hugged him as I said “Yes.”

I left tear-stained myself that day, because the picture of a mother taking a repentant wrong-doer by the hand and guiding him over to apologize to the one he had wronged reminded me of my own time for confession or the better named reconciliation. I had a glimpse of the love God has for us but how he holds back so that we can humble ourselves and admit our wrong doings against Him. He is just waiting to hear the words...”Will you forgive me?” and He rushes in to love on us as we hear the words “I absolve you.” I have a hard time going to confession. I know God loves me. I believe that there are two reasons why I have a hard time; I have to humble myself and acknowledge that I have done wrong and the other reason is that God loves me and forgives me even though I have been abominable and I do not deserve His forgiveness and love.

Who helps me get to confession so that I can grow and learn? My mother, Mary. She takes me by the hand and guides me. Even when I am at my most rebellious, she calmly reminds me “You are mine. Come with me. I will start you off...I am sorry for my behavior.” Then she patiently waits for me to continue, holding my hand until I come before Him saying...”Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

What Would You Have Me Do?

“Sweet Lady, what would you have me do?” That is the question I keep approaching Our Lady with each time I pray, see a statue of Our Lady, reflect on old diaries and ponder about this New Year. I feel drawn to Our Lady of Fatima, and specifically drawn to a certain image of her which seems to be called Pilgrim Virgin of Fatima. That is the name I discovered of her image when I visited St. Anthony's Chapel in Pittsburgh, PA. Why this image? It was the image of Our Lady that appeared to me in a dream early in the morning on January 1, 2011. I had planned on beginning the consecration to Jesus through Mary that day (start off the new year right) and ended up waiting to do it for the Feast of the Annunciation, because I did not have the right book. I went out the next day in search of the right book and asked a woman, who was very familiar to that devotion where I could get the book. Across the street from this woman's store, The Daughters of St. Paul bookstore carried it.

That same woman, Patty Christy was her name, chose me as one of the people to carry the litter of Our Lady of Fatima into our little chapel at Immaculate Heart of Mary in January of 2011. It was so Providential. I pulled up, got out of my car, and Patty looked at me and said “Maria, I have been waiting for you. We need you to help carry Our Lady.” How could you say no to that?!

2017 will mark the 100^th anniversary of Our Lady of Fatima apparitions.

 I know a little about what Our Lady said to the shepherd children on her visits, but I am very curious now in trying to find out her message to these children. I foresee a trip to the Daughters of St. Paul bookstore is in order. I have already decided to renew my consecration to Jesus through Mary continuously marking the apparition dates as the day of renewal of my promise and honoring Our Lady, Pilgrim Virgin of Fatima. I am also hoping to find a medal of the Pilgrim Virgin of Fatima to wear and commemorate this year, but we will have to see if such a medal exists.

May 2017 find you and your family happy, healthy and living joyfully as witnesses to Jesus Christ, Our Savior!!!