On my one year anniversary
of coming into the Catholic Church, I prayed “Lord, I love you so
much. I want to know you more. How can I know you more?” The
reply “Know my Father and my Mother.” I instantly turned to God,
the Father, because though I had accepted Mary's role in the Incarnation,
The Passion, The Resurrection and the birth of the Church. I was a
little wary of Mary. Of course, where you are the most reluctant to
go that is where you end up being led.
I have been on the road of
consecration to Jesus through Mary for 6 years. It has been a path
of consolation, of self-discovery, and what I was not expecting...of
healing. Probably, my second time of renewing my consecration I
realized that I had somehow put an obstacle between myself and God.
It has usually been a something. That something has usually been
wrapped up in self-pride. For example, I used to define myself by
how much money I made. My success was based on my net income. It
was exhausting when some months I would wind up with less than the
previous month, I would beat myself up and say “I did not work
enough hours. I spent too much time on this project, which did not
generate enough money.” It is a viscous cycle until you realize
that you have made manna replace God in your priorities.
Mark 12:29-31 Jesus
replied: This is the first:'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord
alone! Therefore you shall love the Lord your God with all your
heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your
strength.' This is the second, 'You shall love your neighbor as
yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these.
This
year during renewal of the consecration, I have realized how much I have
shut out my neighbor. I am great at building walls to protect myself
from getting hurt. This round I realized how I have protected myself
from Father figures, mentors, and friends. I thought that by
building these walls that no one could hurt me. What has happened is
that I have hurt myself by not allowing people to get too close to
me. I have shut the door on my neighbor and told Jesus (in the form
of my neighbor) to “Go away! I don't want you to hurt me!” Since I
have not been busy serving my neighbor, I have turned to festering
within my self-imprisoned walls. My excuse has been “Lord, I do
not want to get hurt by the people I love.” Try continuously
saying that to a crucified Jesus on the Cross, who was killed by the
people He loved. He died for them. He died for me.
My
final hold out in this struggle to acknowledge the walls against my
neighbor and start to tear them down was that I felt
vulnerable...very vulnerable. "Lord, what if someone I love hurts me?
I am weak. I am like a newborn baby unable to defend myself...naked
or with very little covering."
My
whole struggle and realizations on the journey with the consecration to
Jesus through Mary these 6 years can be summed up in Matthew 6:24
No man can serve two
masters. He will either hate one and love the other or be attentive
to one and despise the other. You cannot give yourself to God and
money.
My
consolation is found in the continuing verses of Matthew 6:25-33
I warn you, then: do not
worry about your livelihood, what you are to eat or drink or use for
clothing. Is not life more than food? Is not the body more valuable
than clothes?
Look at the birds in the
sky. They do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns; yet
your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than
they? Which of you by worrying can add a moment to his life-span?
As for clothes, why be concerned? Learn a lesson from the way the
flowers grow. They do not work; they do not spin. Yet I assure you,
not even Solomon in all his splendor was arrayed like one of these.
If God can clothe in such splendor the grass of the field, which
blooms today and is thrown on the fire tomorrow, will he not provide
much more for you. O weak in faith! Stop worrying, then, over
questions like, 'What are we to eat, or what are we to drink, or what
are we to wear?' The unbelievers are always running after these
things. Your heavenly Father knows all that you need. Seek first
his kingship over you, his way of holiness, and all these things will
be given you besides.
How
many times have I heard this passage read at church both as a
Presbyterian and now as a Catholic? How many times have I gone on
doing my own thing, because my ears were stopped up and could not
hear what God was trying to tell me through His Son, Jesus?
It took
my Blessed Mother, Mary, to bring me back to these words and hear
them. Hear them in my heart, my soul and my mind. With the help of
Jesus, taking my walls down stone by stone so that I can love my
neighbor even when that love may not be returned but might even be
rebuked. With Mary and Jesus 's help they are preparing me to take
me to the Father.
