Finding Jesus

 

One of my favorite mysteries on the rosary is the fifth Joyful Mystery...finding Jesus in the Temple. On my prayer guide it says Fruit of the Mystery: Joy in Finding Jesus. I remember talking to someone about this mystery and they pointed out that it is also one of the seven sorrows of Mary.

During this Advent, I encourage you to think back on when you found Jesus. Did you discover him as a child at Christmas? Did you find out about him when you were open to listening to someone evangelizing? Did you seek him out when you were in so much pain, despair and torment that you gave in to finding out more than his name?

Jesus is there in all these situations.

I found him when I was a child at Christmas. One of my earliest memories as a child was putting up a link each day of Advent that had part of the Christmas story in it. I looked forward to every night of hearing my mother read the verse and then I would add that link to the chain.

I later discovered more about Jesus when I attended a Passion play. I was in college studying theater and I witnessed the power of drama. Even though I heard about Jesus healing people in the Gospels, I suddenly saw in this renactment Jesus heal Jairus's daughter (played by a kid I used to babysit). The moment she woke up and hugged Jesus made me recognize the power of drama and how it could be used as a way to evangelize.

Then I toured with a company called Theater of the Word, Inc. and I saw Jesus in a new way. I saw a frail old priest that sounded like he was breathing his last breath consecrate the Host and I saw a transformation. I couldn't understand transubstantiation but I saw the priest become strong and vibrant and he believed he was holding Jesus. I remember thinking “I don't know what this is all about, but he believes the Host is Jesus.”

I became Catholic and I accepted the teachings of the Church. Just because I accepted the teachings did not mean I completely understood them. I accepted the idea of suffering but it would take practicing the devotion of the consecration to Jesus through Mary several times before I would start to really understand suffering as I do now.

From my diary entry dated 2016

Catholic art used to freak me out with a bloody Jesus, because "my Jesus" was clean and pristine. Now I look at art with the suffering face of Jesus and all I can see is His love for us...for me. I am (with several others of my parish) consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary. This March 25th will be my 5th anniversary of practicing this devotion. This is the last devotion I would have considered 6 years ago because I had heard "you could suffer". I thought "Well, I might be Catholic (I was one year into the Church) but I don't do suffering!" But every time, I would pray "Lord, I love you so much. I want to know you better." I would get the reply "Know my Father and my mother." I was trying to focus on God the Father, because though I had respect for Mary, Our Blessed Mother, I thought I would focus on the more approachable person. I kept encountering people (by the name of Catherine) who would ask "Are you consecrated to Jesus through Mary?" These people would be strangers and that would be their opening line to me. I finally said "Yes" to this practice, I have learned about how much Jesus loves us...me. Leading people in this devotion, I have experienced suffering, consolation and joy when I renew my "vow".

This Lent, I have been focusing on different aspects of Our Lord's Passion, from the Upper Room to the Crucifixion. I told my spiritual director that this Lent I feel guilty that I am filled with Joy every time I look on the Crucifix, because I know how much Jesus loves me. It could be read as sick to an outsider that you could look at a man bloodied and tortured as Our Lord on the Cross and find JOY there, but I think it is because LOVE is present in that picture of suffering.

But this relationship is a two way street, if it is a relationship. We all have crosses. Some are petty that we choose to carry. Some our huge and it is only through God's grace that we can get out of bed in the morning. We need to talk to Jesus about these crosses. Ask Him to help us with them or just vent at Him about the fact they exist. He wants us to talk with Him, because NO ONE can understand suffering like Our Lord, who suffered the greatest. Our suffering can also help us to understand our neighbor, who may be suffering more or less than us. You know what suffering tastes like, so pray for them and prompt them to also take their suffering to Jesus.

Now it is nearing the end of 2020 which has been ravaged by plague, social unrest, and political maelstrom. This Lent many of us faced not being able to attend mass due to Covid-19 restrictions put in place by local or state government. Regular mass attendees, devote Catholics threw up their voices to cry out in anger, frustration and grief. They could not receive the Eucharist. I have been reflecting on that as we near Advent and numbers of positive cases of Covid-19 start to climb threatening the same actions from our governments. We are so spoiled here in the Archdiocese of St. Louis. We have a lot of priests and we have an active prospering seminary. There are states, counties, territories that wish they could have daily mass, but due to lack of vocations they can't. They are in the desert. Some of them literally as well as spiritually.

We as Catholics have the ability to find Jesus in every moment of our time line. He lived it. Joy, suffering, surrounded by throngs of people who loved him, surrounded by those who wanted to kill him and even the event of being forsaken. If we encounter another time when we must be without the Eucharist (may we also be without in-door dining, bars, sports and entertainment too), may we unite ourselves to Christ on the cross when he yelled out “Why oh why hast thou forsaken me?” Jesus felt complete abandonment at that moment. We also know that Jesus had at that moment one person, who had not left him and who loved him very much. His Mother, whom he gave to be our mother, Mary.

May we entrust ourselves to Mary this Advent as God once did when He came to dwell among us.

 

Taking Me to the Father

On my one year anniversary of coming into the Catholic Church, I prayed “Lord, I love you so much. I want to know you more. How can I know you more?” The reply “Know my Father and my Mother.” I instantly turned to God, the Father, because though I had accepted Mary's role in the Incarnation, The Passion, The Resurrection and the birth of the Church. I was a little wary of Mary. Of course, where you are the most reluctant to go that is where you end up being led.

I have been on the road of consecration to Jesus through Mary for 6 years. It has been a path of consolation, of self-discovery, and what I was not expecting...of healing. Probably, my second time of renewing my consecration I realized that I had somehow put an obstacle between myself and God. It has usually been a something. That something has usually been wrapped up in self-pride. For example, I used to define myself by how much money I made. My success was based on my net income. It was exhausting when some months I would wind up with less than the previous month, I would beat myself up and say “I did not work enough hours. I spent too much time on this project, which did not generate enough money.” It is a viscous cycle until you realize that you have made manna replace God in your priorities.

Mark 12:29-31 Jesus replied: This is the first:'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is Lord alone! Therefore you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength.' This is the second, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these.

This year during renewal of the consecration, I have realized how much I have shut out my neighbor. I am great at building walls to protect myself from getting hurt. This round I realized how I have protected myself from Father figures, mentors, and friends. I thought that by building these walls that no one could hurt me. What has happened is that I have hurt myself by not allowing people to get too close to me. I have shut the door on my neighbor and told Jesus (in the form of my neighbor) to “Go away! I don't want you to hurt me!”  Since I have not been busy serving my neighbor, I have turned to festering within my self-imprisoned walls. My excuse has been “Lord, I do not want to get hurt by the people I love.” Try continuously saying that to a crucified Jesus on the Cross, who was killed by the people He loved. He died for them. He died for me.

My final hold out in this struggle to acknowledge the walls against my neighbor and start to tear them down was that I felt vulnerable...very vulnerable.  "Lord, what if someone I love hurts me? I am weak. I am like a newborn baby unable to defend myself...naked or with very little covering."

My whole struggle and realizations on the journey with the consecration to Jesus through Mary these 6 years can be summed up in Matthew 6:24

No man can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other or be attentive to one and despise the other. You cannot give yourself to God and money.

My consolation is found in the continuing verses of Matthew 6:25-33

I warn you, then: do not worry about your livelihood, what you are to eat or drink or use for clothing. Is not life more than food? Is not the body more valuable than clothes?

Look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Which of you by worrying can add a moment to his life-span? As for clothes, why be concerned? Learn a lesson from the way the flowers grow. They do not work; they do not spin. Yet I assure you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was arrayed like one of these. If God can clothe in such splendor the grass of the field, which blooms today and is thrown on the fire tomorrow, will he not provide much more for you. O weak in faith! Stop worrying, then, over questions like, 'What are we to eat, or what are we to drink, or what are we to wear?' The unbelievers are always running after these things. Your heavenly Father knows all that you need. Seek first his kingship over you, his way of holiness, and all these things will be given you besides.

How many times have I heard this passage read at church both as a Presbyterian and now as a Catholic? How many times have I gone on doing my own thing, because my ears were stopped up and could not hear what God was trying to tell me through His Son, Jesus?

It took my Blessed Mother, Mary, to bring me back to these words and hear them. Hear them in my heart, my soul and my mind. With the help of Jesus, taking my walls down stone by stone so that I can love my neighbor even when that love may not be returned but might even be rebuked. With Mary and Jesus 's help they are preparing me to take me to the Father.

What Would You Have Me Do?

“Sweet Lady, what would you have me do?” That is the question I keep approaching Our Lady with each time I pray, see a statue of Our Lady, reflect on old diaries and ponder about this New Year. I feel drawn to Our Lady of Fatima, and specifically drawn to a certain image of her which seems to be called Pilgrim Virgin of Fatima. That is the name I discovered of her image when I visited St. Anthony's Chapel in Pittsburgh, PA. Why this image? It was the image of Our Lady that appeared to me in a dream early in the morning on January 1, 2011. I had planned on beginning the consecration to Jesus through Mary that day (start off the new year right) and ended up waiting to do it for the Feast of the Annunciation, because I did not have the right book. I went out the next day in search of the right book and asked a woman, who was very familiar to that devotion where I could get the book. Across the street from this woman's store, The Daughters of St. Paul bookstore carried it.

That same woman, Patty Christy was her name, chose me as one of the people to carry the litter of Our Lady of Fatima into our little chapel at Immaculate Heart of Mary in January of 2011. It was so Providential. I pulled up, got out of my car, and Patty looked at me and said “Maria, I have been waiting for you. We need you to help carry Our Lady.” How could you say no to that?!

2017 will mark the 100^th anniversary of Our Lady of Fatima apparitions.

 I know a little about what Our Lady said to the shepherd children on her visits, but I am very curious now in trying to find out her message to these children. I foresee a trip to the Daughters of St. Paul bookstore is in order. I have already decided to renew my consecration to Jesus through Mary continuously marking the apparition dates as the day of renewal of my promise and honoring Our Lady, Pilgrim Virgin of Fatima. I am also hoping to find a medal of the Pilgrim Virgin of Fatima to wear and commemorate this year, but we will have to see if such a medal exists.

May 2017 find you and your family happy, healthy and living joyfully as witnesses to Jesus Christ, Our Savior!!!

Mary Making Me Pretty

I could be wrong, but I think every girl wants to be told that she is pretty. People remark on what the see on the outside, because it is readily seen. I hope every girl wants to work to be pretty on the inside too. That beauty takes longer to mature but it lasts right up to eternity.

I have been thinking a lot about eternity. God's kingdom. In God's kingdom all of the saints and angels are described not as pretty or beautiful, but glorious. The reason they are glorious to behold is because they overflowing with God's glory, His beauty and His light. God's kingdom where Love and Joy dwell, because He is Love and Joy.

Why am I thinking about eternity? Well, I think we all should. It is the final stop on our pilgrimage in this world. I have a lot of people that have passed away in my life recently to also remind me of eternity. And then I have the ever increasing reminders from my own body...more gray hair, the appearance of age spots, and my internal temperature being out of whack just to name a few. I was never noted as being beautiful or even pretty when I was growing up. If I was ever addressed as such it was “Wow. You have beautiful blue eyes.” or "You have a great smile."  I was surrounded by beautiful people while I was growing up and thankfully they were beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. I was the kid that came into the house dirty, crumb stained mouth and usually in mismatched wardrobe. I see my inner spiritual child as resembling the same. “How can I appear before God if I look like this?” I wondered. “You won't.” came my answer and then I was reminded that I am consecrated to Jesus through Mary. Mary, my mother, will clean me up before I come before God. Mothers always make sure that you are presentable. Mary would do the same. Also, Mothers usually accompany their children when they are meeting someone special. Mary would do the same.

I am reminded of St. Louis de Montfort's analogy that is highlighted in Fr. Michael Gaitley's book 33 Days to Morning Glory, which is the accessible way for many people to attempt the devotion of the consecration to Jesus through Mary. Here is the excerpt...

“It is as if a peasant, wishing to gain the friendship and benevolence of the king, went to the queen and presented her with a fruit which was his whole revenue, in order that she might present it to the king. The queen, having accepted the poor little offering from the peasant, would place the fruit on a large and beautiful dish of gold, and so, on the peasant's behalf, would present it to the king. Then the fruit, however unworthy in itself to be a king's present, would become worthy of his majesty because the dish of gold on which it rested and the person who presented it.”

Mary can make us presentable to God. Mary can even make us pretty to His eyes.

On the Path to Consecration

I am renewing my consecration to Jesus through Mary. This will be my 5 year anniversary of practicing this devotion. March 25^th is the suggested date for those practicing this devotion because it is the Feast of the Annunciation when the Word became flesh. It is also recognized by the Church as the actual day of Our Lord's death. This year March 25^th is Good Friday.

As I was reflecting on what to write about regarding this devotion, I strayed to my journal that I kept when I made my first consecration.

On March 25, 2011-I was performing in a tour of Theater of the Word, Inc.'s show The Little Saint of the Poor in Virginia. We were staying in Washington DC near the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception. I was overjoyed because what a fantastic place to first say my words of consecration. I knew that I needed to go to confession, so I looked up the confession time that was scheduled before the morning mass.

 I walked to the Cathedral and wandered from confessional to confessional. No one. Morning mass was in the crypt. I felt so blessed to be there. There were religious sisters from various orders there and I always feel a consolation when I am among religious sisters. I received Our Lord and as I was praying after receiving Him I heard a sweet voice tell me “Teach them to pray.” After mass, I stopped at a side alter to the Immaculate Conception near an empty confessional. “Sweet, Lady, where can I go?” My answer “Go to Monseigneur.” I then headed to breakfast.

I had breakfast with one of our actors and a lady who was part of the Association for Jeanne Jugan (AJJ). She too was consecrating herself that day. The retired Monseigneur, who lived as a resident at our lodgings appeared at our breakfast table. “Two questions for you,” he said. “How was last night's show?” The actor and I gave him the review. Then Monseigneur pointed to my book on the consecration. “Have you done it?” “Not yet.” I replied. “Can you hear my confession?” “Sure.” We finished breakfast and I followed Monseigneur back to his apartment. He showed me his stole, which was hand woven and made in New Mexico. I told him that I had never done face-to-face confession before. “Why?” he asked. “I know that you are in the person of Christ in this sacrament, but I still have a hard time getting past the fact that I am confessing to a man. I find comfort behind the screen.” Monseigneur put two chairs side by side. “Try.” he said as he sat down in one putting on his purple hand woven stole. I sat down in the other chair and as I said “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned...” I saw a transformation occur. (He did not turn into Jesus, but a change came over Monseigneur and I knew that I was in the presence of Christ). I made my confession and I started to pull out my card and recite the Act of Contrition. Monseigneur said, “No. No recitations. I want to hear you speak from the heart.” So I did. I was sorry for my sins. Yes, I do desire heaven and not the flames of hell. I do not recall what else I said, but I felt like I had made a real Act of Contrition. I was given a penance and absolution. I then went into the chapel that the Little Sisters of the Poor have at their residence. In that simple chapel, I performed my penance and made my consecration to Jesus through Mary. The lady from the AJJ came by to renew her consecration and she exchanged hugs. I then went over to one of the elderly residents that the Little Sisters of the Poor take care of. I had grown quite attached to this elderly resident and she said, “Keep praying like you are. Our Lady loves you.”

 The rest of the day was filled with enjoying the sights of Washington DC such as

 the White House

 The Old Postal Museum,

 the Washington Monument

 and eating at the oldest pub in Washington DC. The sight that surpassed all of these historic monuments was that the cherry trees were in full blossom

 and we were there to see it before the festival kicked off the next day! That evening I lit a candle in front of the statue of Mary at Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Manass, VA before our performance that evening of The Little Saint of the Poor. As I waited backstage for my cue to come on I kept hearing “Teach them to pray.”

 Me as St. Jeanne Jugan next to a statue of her

Every time I do this devotion I am blessed with consolations and I am challenged with something that pushes me out of my comfort zone. These are things that I do not seek out-especially THE CHALLENGES (who really enjoys getting pushed out of their comfort zone?). I just try to be open to them because the whole purpose as to why I practice this devotion is to know Jesus better.

This year, I will be on the road as I renew my consecration. I will be traveling between shows on Good Friday. I will not have all the “bells and smells” that sometimes have accompanied the Feast of the Annunciation. I will need to go to confession this evening and I will not be able to receive Our Lord in the Eucharist until Easter. I will be stripped of all the extra trappings that make this experience so much more joyful. I will be more with Our Lord in His sorrow as I stare at Our Lord on the Cross from a rosary at 3pm no doubt traveling through some desolate place.

Lord, teach me to pray so that in turn I may teach others.